Your life is your message. Gandhi, 13. ] [Jerry Seinfeld uses this technique. 98. Website Accessibility Policy, Exciting Employee Engagement Ideas All rights reserved. People who are clever are gifted with the art of turning complex situations to their favor. Go ahead and underestimate me. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. And, oh boy, is this good. 83.86 % / 41 votes. What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? "Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired. - 101 funny one-liners - Best knock-knock jokes for kids. Nope. These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever and witty. Handcrafted in Los Angeles. My recliner and I go way back. She had mittens. Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias, 41. "When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany. 8. May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. Nelson Mandela, 64. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." Your coffee break partner. Control freak. The people who live above me are furious. (Steven Wright), 3) I heard a story that the band Blink-182 incorporated under the name Poo Poo Butt LLC to embarrass their accountants in serious conversations., 4) I thought Id begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? "Without geometry, life is pointless." This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. 101 Funny Quotes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh, Julianne Hough Looks Fierce in a Naked Dress. Then quit. Neil Gaiman, 75. 1) Do you know what I love most about baseball? In honor of Readers Digests 100th anniversary, weve collected 100 jokes, puns, and funny one-liners that are short, sharp, and easy to deliver. The desire to live a purposeful life, I truly believe, resides in all humans. Paulo Braga, 22. ", "Only good girls keep diaries. Thoughtful Employee Appreciation Ideas 99. The shortest horror story: Monday. Anonymous, 38. This website uses Google Analytics to collect anonymous information such as the number of visitors to the site, and the most popular pages. "For years, Mock the Week delivered a witty spin on the newsentertaining a broad cross-section of the UK audience through funny conversations, one-liners, and improv comedy. What if soy milk were just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish? Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls, 37. Weve got hilarious quotes about love, marriage, aging, parenting, friendship, and many more topics that are oh-so relatable and undeniably clever. Everyones eyes glaze over before youve even warmed up. Alesandra has a masters degree in journalism with an emphasis on cultural reporting and criticism from NYU, and a bachelors degree from UC Berkeley. ", "Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think. Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." Put the best pick-up lines you were too lazy jokes that one liners for dating one. "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so . He just wanted a little more space. Turns out, he just locked me in the closet. (Brain Champagne), 5) What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? Did you find some humor and a bit of inspiration in this collection of funny quotes about life? "Joan Rivers, 44. Knock, knock. I used to believe that all things must passuntil I got stuck behind a school bus. Why arent dogs good dancers? ' (Jim Gaffigan). On the other hand, you have different fingers. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin, 10. 44. Enjoy! 2. 96. I never knew my real ladder. 82. "Never try to have the last word. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but its against the law. 3. That always worries me!" How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. "Jim Halpert, The Office, 91. "An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. Ralphie May, 58. As the sayings go, we only get one shot at this adventure we call life and weve compiled these 80 funny one-liners about life to bring you a giggle. Dont stay in bed unless you can make money in bed. George Burns, 48. Check out our collections of cheesy pickup lines and our ever-popular dad jokes. the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? "Isaac Asimov, 18. Tough times never last but tough people do. Robert H. Schiuller, 63. The meaning of life is to give life meaning. Ken Hudgins, 2. 22. 6789 Quail Hill Pkwy, Suite 211 Irvine CA 92603, "I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? 61. 17. If you're around someone who sucks all the air out of the room, go to another room. So did everyone else on the submarine., 3) Heres a funny fact: Nicolas Cage once purchased an octopus to help him with his acting., 4) You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle), 5) How much does a polar bear weigh? Something for everyone interested in hair, makeup, style, and body positivity. Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Will Rogers, 101. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. A bad habit has a unique detrimental effect on your life. Richard D. Rawlings, 61. Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong. Winston Churchill, 37. Here are some one-liners about life that will surely get a smile on your face. Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done. Peter Drucker, 24. Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls, 84. Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. ( Golf Workout Program) 7) "Housework won't kill you. 92. Enough to break the iceor your spine for that matter., 6) When I meet women, I immediately start talking about global warming. Herman said, "It's not just one car. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesnt want. ~ William Binger, The male is a domestic animal who, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~ Jilly Cooper, Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. ~ Maryon Pearson, Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman., I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. ~ Mae West, My husband and I divorced over religious differences. Why cant you trust an atom? Plus, they're pretty practical, too! "People say, How you stay looking so young? I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup." Dolly Parton, 45. Whether your dream job entails selling, consulting or sleeping till noon, these funny work quotes are sure to resonate. Its a real ice breaker. (Laffgaff). How Are Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson Related? "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet. Enjoy these funny quotes, a laugh and share with a friend. 94. Barrie, 34. "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence then success is sure. "Do not take life too seriously. Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Some men say they dont wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. "Everybody wants to save the earth. I changed my password to "incorrect". Fields, 12. 25. 55. 14) When in doubt, mumble. Whats Irish and stays out all night? Let us know in the comment section below. Easy. Now theyre hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set. 3. "Oscar Wilde, 14. They say money talks but mine can only say goodbye. "I like work. When you love people and have a desire to make a profound, positive impact upon the world, then you will have accomplished the meaning of life Sasha Azevedo, 15. 84.04 % / 304 votes. Unique Gifts For Employees Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4. 15) I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. Show me a man who is a good loser, and Ill show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Jim Murray. They get out of difficult situations very quickly. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me." And if these arent enough, check out some uplifting inspirational quotes thatll add some extra motivation to your workweek. 71: One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday - eight hours. And if they would, I do not do that thing." If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. "The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen." Of course I wouldnt say anything about her unless I could say something good. I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. Knock, knock. "Betty White, 61. Steven Wright. "Jerry Lewis, 67. . Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Witty one liners means instant laughs. I love deadlines. Pro-Tip #5: Make sure you pick a joke you love. (PS A truly energizing icebreaker joke is a great way to open up a team building event or activity and help everyone enter the right mindset to participate in the fun. "Stanley Hudson, The Office, 3. Yeah, they got him on possession. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? Stay up and fight. Tech Blog He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. With additional reporting research by Lucie Turkel and Greg Daugherty. Icebreaker jokes like that one command attention. I havent slept for 10 days because that would be too long. Now I realize I should have been more specific. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. "A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.". 6. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. Question:What do you call a fish with no eye?Answer: FSH. All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach, 24. "Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, 33. And thats just in the hot dogs. (David Letterman), 2) Ive been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The wife says that yes, he could. Privacy Policy Its a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children. Alan Alda, 33. Turns out, he just locked me in the closet.). A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, 57. (Ex: My friend took me to what he said was an escape room. He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn. I dont know, but its flag is a big plus! (Best Life). Report. I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house but the kids still get in. SnackNation is a healthy office snack delivery service that makes healthy snacking fun, life more productive, and workplaces awesome. Do people, and humor, there's so plenty time. 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. Humor can help you instantly build rapport with your audience. Think of your three best friends. Roses are red, violets are blue; yo quiero tacos and queso too! Life is full of many ironical aspects that are beyond human comprehension. Grab . I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Well, thats the point, isnt it? - Steven Wright. Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls, 34. Do these genes make me look fat?. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is. Here are 21 witty one-liners guaranteed to make you smile. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 3. "You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic. I don't think it's natural." A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. A: Tell a good joke at work by first finding an. I hate Russian dolls; they're so full of themselves. Roy Sutton. "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese. "Charles Lamb, 96. Funny work quotes are some of the only things strong enough to fight off the Sunday Scariesby joking about Monday morning, of course. 34. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams, 5. Laughter is contagious, after all. Its called wedding cake. I love my furniture. The nature of life is to change. William Arthur Ward, 14. Pro-tip #3: Champion humor in your workplace by using an employee recognition platform such as Nectar to provide peer-to-peer rewards for making others laugh or smile. Like Monday through Friday. Anonymous, 36. Do you know a funny one liner? Hero Images/Getty Images. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb. Be a professional and hate the whole week! Anonymous, 39. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. Niels Bohr, 16. This website uses cookies to improve your experience. Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. "A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks. It comes naturally to them. Find even more icebreaker jokes in. 14. 2023 LoveToKnow Media. We have rounded up some of the best collections of funny one-liners on life, funny quotes, hilarious captions, and sarcastic status messages and jokes. Need some more laughs? A: Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? is one good icebreaker joke. 89. Life without coffee is like something without somethingsorry, I havent had any coffee yet. Unknown, 6. 52. Drive fast and leave a sexy. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle. You'd think one of them would have seen it. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. A gummy bear. "As you get older, three things happen. "Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls, 47. 85. 33. Your email address will not be published. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? Edgar Bergen, 11. This means that every time you visit this website you will need to enable or disable cookies again. "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that." That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes. 81. One liner tags: people, puns. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. What do you call a mobster whos buried in cement? Intelligence is like an underwear. Nothing, it was on the house. Then I want to move in with them." These 101 funny quotes from comedians, movies, authors, and TV look at the hilarious side of life. They tell your audience why listening to you will be more exciting than getting lost in their pics, tinder profiles, or social media channels. 22. 15. Appropriate and hilarious. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in. Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns. I realized that the other day inside my fort. 29. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin, 50. God must love stupid people because he made so many of them., 66. That is your bosss job. Anonymous, 22. Corporate Gift Ideas Your Clients and Customers Will Love, 2023 SnackNation. A: There are plenty of good icebreaker jokes for a work meeting. The more you love the least deserving on your list, the more your life will change. Mike Dooley, 47. 68: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect". Charlie Brown, 8. Never take life seriously. If they're OK, then it's you." "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. Then it hit me. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. It gets toad away. 84. They were negative. Life is a long lesson in humility. J.M. 51. 5) "Nowadays, comedians tell the news and the media tells the jokes.". . Man invented the alarm clock. Pablo Picasso, 6. Alabama. Whos there? "Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company. Funny quotes for online dating profile Whether you put for guys irresistible. Alesandra is a digital travel and lifestyle journalist based in Los Angeles whose work has appeared in Good Housekeeping, Womans Day, Prevention, Insider, Glamour, Shondaland, AFAR, Parents, TODAY and countless other online and print outlets. You will never get out of it alive." People without self-awareness go through life simply reacting out of habit. John C. Allen, 7. Best One Liners 1. It seemed very important to him that I have it. Frightfully funny . Even if you love your job, it can be difficult to face another daunting workweek. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. -. 46. "Meryl Streep, 39. Toteme Embellished Straw Sunhat. Like a good conversation starter or icebreaker question, a joke can warm up your listeners brains and prepare them to receive your message. There are too many witnesses for me to tell you what I really think. I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did. I am a professional, but I have a lot of Nutrasweet in my system and I dont have a good short-term memory., 3) I have, you know, a lot of things I want to discuss with you and I dont even remember what they are. There's nothing like a little alone time to make you appreciate your own company. , The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. -, There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them. -, All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -, Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. -. The best funny one-liners Shutterstock "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. A Gigantic Collection of Entertainment Cliparts and Illustrations, 22 Types of Highly Annoying People You See in Movie Theaters, Here Are Some Of The Best Animated Disney Movies, The Catchiest Pop Songs From The Early 2000s Youll Want To Repeat, The Best 80s Movies To Stream This Weekend. That means I talk down to people. Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got. R. Brault, 41. "Joan Rivers, 5. Nobel who? This website uses cookies so that we can provide you with the best user experience possible. Enjoy a few original quotes followed by quotes attributed to other sources, then explore these funny oxymoron quotes. I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for . Exaggerations went up 1,000,000% last year. If you are motivated by these wise words of wisdom, feel free to spread the positive vibes and share them with friends and family on Pinterest, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, and more. Your email address will not be published. (Deny it if you must, person who just Googled "funny dad jokes.") So, in honor of joke-telling dads everywhere, we present the best of the best corny dad jokes and puns, whether you need a few new one-liners to add to your own repertoire, are craving a good chuckle, or are looking for a good Father's Day caption or dad quote to honor your . Pretty women go shopping." 136 work jokes that are actually funny and easy to deliver. A: The same qualities that make a standard joke funny make an icebreaker joke funny. Telling .css-dv4kb7{-webkit-text-decoration:underline;text-decoration:underline;text-decoration-thickness:0.0625rem;text-decoration-color:brandColorSecondary;text-underline-offset:0.25rem;color:inherit;-webkit-transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;}.css-dv4kb7:hover{color:#683d85;text-decoration-color:border-link-body-hover;}corny jokes or watching feel-good comedies is a sure-fire way to add levity to your day, but if you need a quick fix, then we've got tons of funny quotes that are guaranteed to ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses. "Women marry men hoping they will change. "Jerome K. Jerome, 95. 42. 90% of the things I worry about never happen. Our child has a great deal of willpowerand even more wont power. Looking for more than just trust falls? A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want." ~ William Binger There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun. No need to repeat. " Charles M. Schulz, 13. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. Because they have two left feet. "Oscar Wilde, 60. Rapport is especially important for presentations where youre trying to persuade an audience of strangers, and you can build rapport with people youve never met (and may not have anything in common with) by using some of the funniest jokes you can find. Sometimes you need to indulge the sense of humor of *LIFE*. 1) I dont understand how Jeff Bezos is richer than the person who sells receipt paper to CVS. (Brain Champagne), 2) Do you know that cool-looking code in the Matrix? Whatever you do in life, do it with enthusiasm. Do you have a clever quote you would like to share? Theres a lot to be said in his favor, but its not nearly as interesting. When we do it or inspire it in others, it can feel like magic, and like magic, laughter can be similarly mysterious and elusive. "Life really does begin at forty. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot. 34. Eleanor Roosevelt, 26. 42. Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. A dirty double-crosser. Albert Einstein, 52. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". If youre looking for the biggest laughs from the fewest words, youve come to the right place. Eclipse it. It's amazing how many people have developed shockingly blue eyes since Facebook filters were invented. 31. If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, dont knock it. Jarod Kintz, 46. Rita Mae Brown, 35. 61. -Robin Williams. Grief is an isolating emotion, but funerals give people the opportunity to connect and support each other. Fields, 4. Youre like, What the hell? He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend. "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.Isaac Asimov, 77. Funerals serve an important purpose for attendees. 77. Self care and ideas to help you live a healthier, happier life. 66. Whats the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? I sympathize with batteries.